Day 28-Something that stresses you out

I've never been good with choices. It stresses me out to have to make the right choice between many things. I will go back and forth between the options weighing them out until I have driven myself AND everyone around me CRAZY! Let me tell you! Going to the drive-through is a nightmare! There are 5 cars full of hungry people behind me and a tired employee all wanting me to make 5 decisions right then and there. What do I want? Do I want to make it a meal? Do I want it biggie sized or regular? Do I want curly or regular fries? Ranch, honey mustard, caesar, or blue cheese? And to top it off what to drink? Talk about pressure! I always feel very proud of myself driving away having just made all those decisions so quickly.

What is behind this stress? I of course want to make the right choice. I want to make the one that will help the most people. Last Tuesday I was exhausted! It was time to go to institute but I really didn't have the energy to go. Seriously I agonized whether I should go or not! I was really tired but what if there was some one there that needed me? What if I needed to hear the message that night? It took a lot of energy deciding what to do.

So choices? Yeah they stress me out.

If you thought the post was over and have stopped reading that's fine. But for the others who are not sick of hearing from me, another thing that stresses me out is running into exes. Even though I break things off....... I guess it's the uncomfortable feeling and not knowing what they are thinking at the moment is what gets to me. Last night I was in Mr Moment of Weakness's end of town for an institute activity and seriously, the thought of running into him made me want to wet my pants! Well that is until I gave myself "the talk". It goes something like this.

"Deborah, you are being ridiculous! You are amazing and you don't care what he thinks. You are going to walk in there and all heads will turn! Because you're going to keep telling yourself that you are the hottest girl there and every man in that room wants you". Granted it may not be true, but it gives me that little boost of confidence to get me through the anxious moment. So there's my little secret for you! Even though I don't believe it, when I am feeling uncomfortable I am telling myself things like "They'd be crazy not to hire you", "you are totally funny!", or "you are the best public speaker of all time!" Try it! It works!

Day 25-A photo of something that means a lot to you

I have a lot of stuff. When my parents moved me from my apartment in Idaho to the east coast my mom thought, "We can fly out and bring extra bags to fit all your stuff in".... My dad thought "we can bring the van and there will be plenty of room to spare!"

 This is a picture of the van from the front seat. They took the back seats out and left only the captain chairs that Rach and my mom are sitting in. The rest of the van was packed from top to bottom and I still left things behind. My father says I am a pack rat. I say, I've been living on my own for 7 years! However if I had to choose only a few things from everything in that van this is what I would choose. Probably even over my scriptures! Those are replaceable (and of course I have them memorized!), but these are not.

I take these things every where I go and to every place I move. The bear and the necklace were gifts that were given to me by very dear friends of mine. I wear that necklace on very special occasions or when I need a little extra comfort or strength. The photo albums contain pictures of people that I love and adore. I love looking at these pictures over and over again. And the picture frame.....It is usually displayed in my room or in my living room and people are always asking me who that little boy is. And so I tell them. He's one of my best friends' baby. I love him and think it's one of the cutest pictures ever. He is actually much older now but it reminds me of happy things and so I keep it in there. Actually it also reminds me of a time I went to go get my picture taken as a 7 year old. The photographer told me to think of something that made me happy and I thought of kittens. I don't really know why but that picture reminds me of that story.

The only thing missing from this picture is a notebook of letters between me and my friend Leslie that I had saved for years. It got lost in my move out to Rexburg January 2008 and I have been heart broken about it ever since. I would probably pay quite a bit of money to have them back. So to you out there in the universe who may have found that notebook! I am willing to pay if you just send it back to me.

And there you have it. A picture of things that mean a lot to me.

Day 22-Favorite city

My favorite city.... Well, after living in Rexburg, Idaho I've realized I am definitely a city girl! I much prefer the city to country but I still love the wide open spaces and beautiful scenery the country provides. Which is why I LOVE Columbia. There are things to do and places to go. I don't have to drive forever just to go to the mall but there are still so many beautiful open areas and you have the country feel. Ok, I don't know why I wrote all of that because my original response was going to be

NYC

 My favorites always change, but right now my favorite city is NYC. I was just there a few weeks ago and coming form Rexburg to New York City was like night and day. I loved the lights, the people, the transportation, the restaurants, oh and the night life! (Night life doesn't exist after curfew in Rexburg). So there you have it. My favorite City. I am so excited to go back!

Day 21-Your love life

***Sorry this post did not appear yesterday. It was written. It just wasn't posted. Much like the 50 written letters in my drawer that are written....just aren't mailed.***

I'll admit, this post is the one that has given me the most grief the past 21 days. What do I write? How much to share? I can't seem like this.... but if I say that I will look like....

Tonight I was inspired! And now I say HECK with it! I am going to say whatever I want and you are welcome to interpret it however you please. Honestly is the best policy, right?

To be honest I am hard to get. There. I said it. OK?

I  know pretty quickly if I am interested or not and usually it's not. If one is lucky enough to keep my attention, they usually only last about 3 weeks. Usually after three weeks he is completely in love and I am thoroughly freaked out. If that is not the case usually he still likes me and I am uninterested.

Why does it take so much to keep my interest you ask? I think I have it figured out but at the moment I can't really put it into words. One has to have a certain quality. I have to see something desirable in them that makes me want to see more. And after that? Well you've got to make me wonder a little bit.  All too often guys lay it out on the table and make me feel like they really are into me before I have even figured out what I want for dinner that night.  I have broken way to many hearts to find that appealing.  (I have to remind myself that in this post I don't care what I sound like because right now I am worried I am sounding a little arrogant.) Nonetheless, because I have the problem of men falling for me without the feeling being mutual, I find it easier to just end it quickly.

With that said, I am ready to settle down. I have dated and played the field enough! I have known for a while that I would be older than 25 when I got married. Because of this I have been very content living my life and accomplishing my goals as an independent single.  But now I want to experience a permanent man in my life. I am ready to be able to identify with all my friends who swap recipes, housecleaning, and diapering advice.

This brings my to my current love life. Or in better words, my last dating experience and definitely a moment of weakness. I no longer am dating this kid, he didn’t even make it to the three week mark. (but he didn't last for other reasons then the ones I described above) When I tried to think of how to describe this relationship to you, it just came out in a letter. For those of you who know this man I refer to as my moment of weakness this will make complete sense. For those who haven't....Well, I'll explain more detail later. Enjoy.

Dear Moment of Weakness,

       You're one I've never been able to figure out. I think that's one reason it is so easy for you to get to me. It's why I am so drawn to you and always come back to give it one more shot. I want to understand what goes on in that head of yours. You are like an experiment that I just can’t figure out.

       For about a year now you have been making attempts to get me to date you. Sometimes they were half fast attempts but at least you were consistent. It was the only thing I've ever seen you be consistent about. You said, "Let's make this work Deb. I mean that". I knew who was going to do all the work. But the thing that got me was the honesty and vulnerability you showed for the first time in 8 years. I said ok
  

Oh moment of weakness, do you even know HOW to put effort into something? My new blog friend Kayla put it best when she said, "Sometimes, it's a curse to get things you don't have to work for (in this case, he is cursed). I have decided I will never be able to hold a healthy relationship with someone when I have to do all the work." Once again I found myself doing all the driving, doing all the visiting, doing all the communicating, and doing all the work. You told me once we would go well together because I am you in a female form. I sure hope not.
 

The reality is I am Deborah Allred. I date men. Not children. I don't put up with pouting. I don't have tolerance for feeling like you'll spend time with me when it's convenient. If I want to have an adult conversation I expect to have it. If I share that you hurt my feelings I expect you to act like you care. It has been very uncharacteristic of me to even agree to such  commitment with you. You told me your goal was to get married this year. Well......Good luck with that.

From,

Me

Day 20-Nicknames

This will be a quick one so no stress.

I've never been big into nick names although I have had quite a few in my time. I LOVE my own given name and I LOVE hearing people say it. But then again who doesn't. Maybe because I think this is why I prefer to call people by their full name or their First and middle names at least. It is very common to hear me answer the phone and say ,"Donald Kelly, how in the world are you!" or "Tressa Lee, I am so glad you called me." Some people take a while to get used to it but I think secretly they love it!

Back to my nicknames. I have gone by:
Cookie
Funky Monkey
There was turtle something or other....
Deb
De' Bra Allred
Babe (gag me with a spatula. I obviously have developed a bad taste in my mouth for this one)
Hot lips (yeah I was in middle school and no I hadn't kissed anyone yet)
Hot Mamma (We went through a phase where everything had hot in front of it)
Dream Girl
Mahi Mahi
Utah ;)

But the one that that has really stuck and is the only other one I naturally respond to besides my name is Beti.

This name was given to me by the J-squad (I'm including Lindz, Ricky, and Texas in that category) when I moved to Maryland. They were very welcoming and everyone (except for the original J-squaders I think) had nicknames.

The J-Squad. Julie, Jana, Jessica

 Jana was trying to get my number the first sunday I came to church and was in a hurry to get to her family before they left her. She asked me what I wanted my name to be and said it had to be short because she didn't have time to type it all into her phone. This was before the days of T-9 when you had to put in a letter and wait for the phone to clear so you could put in the next letter. I was trying to think fast and said Betty! So she typed in Beti and that is what I was known by in the ward until I graduated high school. The bishop's wife still calls me Beti to this day and I LOVE it.

Day 18-Something you regret

I don't know if talking about things I regret is a good thing or a bad thing...but here we go.

I am lucky to not have may regrets in life. I am not one of those people who says, "I live my life to have no regrets!" Because really, that is not possible. You're human. You make mistakes. And you will regret it. I say I don't have many regrets because I have worked through a lot of my mistakes and have made amends. There comes a time when you just have to realize you are going to make mistakes and become ok with that. However, there are things I have done that I feel like no matter how much I apologize or try to make up for I can't fix.There is pain that I caused and can't take away.

You see, when I was little I had a bit of an attitude/temper. My nickname at girl's camp was spitfire and there was good reason. People always said that I was a sweet little girl and had such a good heart, which was nice. I mean what a sweet little face right?

1st grade

But what those adults didn't know was if you got me mad/annoyed enough heaven help you.

What I regret are the horribly mean words that I said to a few fellow children. At the time I didn't think before I spoke (I sometimes have a problem with that) and I would say whatever would wound the person I was battling the most. When I look back and think about the possible long term and short term damage my words may have done and the hurt I know they caused, my heart breaks. I wish I could go back and redo those moments. There are specific people I have in mind that instead of yelling at and berating, I would give anything to go back and tell them how wonderful they are and what good people they will grow up to be, and how much I will love and adore them in the future. I wish I could go back and take those words back and repair what I took from their self esteem. Those words are the things I regret the most. That hurt I wish I could take away forever.

A quote that now I try to remember when situations arise where I could say something I regret is, "We are not only our brother's keeper; in countless and small ways we are our brother's maker." -Bonaro Overstreet

Day 16-A picture of you from last year and how you've changed since then

This picture was taken last February at our roommate pity party! Everyone had experienced some crazy things and we found our selves very pitiful! So in celebration of pity we got dolled up and went out to eat dinner and watch a movie. It was great fun! I love pity! Oh and I LOVE pity PARTIES!

How have I changed from last year?....
This one takes a little bit of reflection that I really haven't done at this point. There have been changes for the good and the bad. 2010 brought a learning opportunity monthly! What a blessing. :-/ From those experiences I have become a better communicator. I have come to appreciate my family all the more. I have lost a little bit of my faith in love. I have learned how to serve. I have learned to appreciate and love others for their differences. I have become more focused and more determined in accomplishing personal and career goals. Rather then a starving college student, I am now a starving college graduate! I gained two best friends! I have become more confident in myself.

There, I think that is good for now. Lots of change and lots of growth! Here's to 2011! I am so excited for the new experiences and learning it will bring!

Day 13-Goals

The day before graduation the graduating social work class all went out to breakfast and had a little bit of an awards ceremony. Two of the students thought up and handed out awards to everyone graduating based on their personality or funny little things they will remember about that person. I honestly was a little bit surprised by my award. Mine was the "Taking Care of Business" Award. They gave me this award because one: I wore business clothes to school every day due to work and two: because I just got things done. I mean was graduating college and starting my masters immediately.  I never thought of myself as some one who is very good at setting goals and accomplishing them but as I thought about it a little more I realized I am better then I thought. So here are my latest goals!

1. Graduate with my Master's degree by May 2012 and become a LCSW by the end of 2014.
2. Work in an organization where i can provide individual and family counseling to those suffering from addictions.
3. Get married in the Temple and have an eternal Family.
4. Pay off ALL my debt. (Student loans, credit card, etc)
5. Learn to manage my finances well and use any extra income to help the church.
6. Have children
7. Live in my own apartment with a real job.
8. Live in LA for at least three months to write my Aunt Jan's life history.
9. Spoil my Nieces and Nephews

And that's about it for now!

Here is a picture of the snow we got today!

Day 12-What you believe

I've thought and I've thought and I've thought about what to write here because the question is what do you believe? I feel like I can't answer this question without talking about religion. But my religion isn't something I believe. It is something I KNOW. I am so blessed to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know that it's gospel is true. I am so grateful for the happiness it has brought to my life. I have found that when I live by the teachings of the church and the way the Savior wants me to I am the happiest I have ever been!

The Living prophet
Thomas S. Monson

I know that there is a living prophet on the earth today directing us and guiding us. I am so grateful for the prophet and I love him! I know that the priesthood has been restored to the earth. It is amazing to me that the men of the church, the men I socialize with on a daily basis, have the power to act in the name of Jesus Christ! 

I KNOW that Jesus Christ lives. It's true. I know that he atoned for me and because of his amazing sacrifice I am able to be redeemed from my sins. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is my probably is my favorite thing about the gospel and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have felt the power of the Atonement in so many ways! The atonement is a comfort, it is a strength, it is a purifier, it is an escape. I know that as people turn to the Savior and use the atonement in their lives they will be happy. They will be comforted and they will be a better person.

I know that The Book Of Mormon is true. Recently I have noticed a very distinct difference in the quality of my mood, and my day, and my motivation when I read the book of Mormon and make it a priority in my life opposed to when I do not. I promise that when you read The Book of Mormon with the spirit and the intent to apply it to your life you will gain a testimony of it's truthfulness and you will come closer to the Savior Jesus Christ. Just like Joseph Smith Said you would!

Because of all of this it is hard for me to answer the question what do you believe. The better question would be what do you know?

I sure Love this gospel.

What day is it? OH Yeah! Day 10: something you're scared of

Sorry for not posting a little earlier. I don't know why but I kept putting this off. I think because I recently talked myself out of my greatest fear! So What am I scared of? It's a group of something. They're all in the same family and are vicious little puppies.

I have been hit in the head or face with each one of these guys. Except for maybe the yellow one in the back (oh and the golf ball). I don't like them and we are not friends. That is one reason why I get very anxious any time I have to play a sport involving any of these terrorizers! Maybe that's why I love Dancing so much. That is an activity that does not involve balls.

My poor children. I sure hope I marry an athletic man because I will not be able to offer them any tips in the sports area.

Day 8-A place you've traveled to

About 3 and a half years ago I visited Antigua, Guatemala on vacation while working in El Salvador. The city was AMAZING! I would go again. We ate food, explored the city, shopped, and my personal fav climbed a volcano.

Love this City!

I climbed that volcano!

Roasting Marshmallows over hot lava!

Buying fresh mangoes from street
vendors= heaven on the street

The rock on top of my stick
was burning hot lava when
we pulled it out of the lava
river

Cute little boy we saw on the way up to the volcano

After our hike we were all starving! This was a random pasta place we found.

 The following pictures captured the beauty of the city and were taken by my friend and fellow HELP volunteer Fred Christofferson.

Maclaine and I walking down the street

Day 7-Your dream wedding

Right now I really should think about my dream husband. Cuz all the amount of dreaming you put into your wedding doesn't do much with out one of those husbands everyone always talks about. Nonetheless, I do have some ideas on what my "perfect" wedding would be like if there was no limit to budget. (Start saving up your pennies daddy!)

First of course I would get married in the temple. I really prefer the Salt Lake Temple, but I am happy with any temple. So the the ceremony is already taken care of. Check. I would just want to hire some one to do my reception so my family and I don't have to worry about it and my family and I can focus on the important part. My sealing. 

Many women imagine their wedding to be romantic and classy and perfect.

I get the classy. I get the perfect. But romantic? Nah, I want my reception to be FUN!

I mean it's a party! I just got married! (my parents are in the back ground saying FINALLY!)

So here is what I plan. I want to do it carnival style. Carnival style you say? Yes. Carnival style. I want two bounce houses. One strictly for children and one guest of all ages can enjoy. (I haven't quite figured out how this will work with dresses yet so the bounce house may go). And I want a Ferris wheel and a cotton candy machine. There will be popcorn and balloons, etc. Of course it will be out side and it has to be in July. This is because in the month of July you are allowed to light off fireworks in Utah. And I mean the high up in the sky big ones. So there you have it. Ferris Wheel, Jump House, fire works, and good times for all!


Some of you may think this is not classy enough for a wedding but oh contraire mi amigos! Yep. I went bi-lingual on you and used french AND Spanish in the same sentence. If that isn't enough to show my class, maybe these pictures will enlighten you!

And really my favorite way to do a canival themed wedding can be seen here! It is a photography blog so I don't want to use her pics without permission. I just LOVE it! And when you show up to my "Dream" Reception so will YOU!

Day 6- A picture of something that makes you happy

I couldn't pick just one.....So sue me!

Creating new things makes me happy!

Freshly picked berries make me happy

Going to plays makes me happy

The temple makes me happy

Dancing makes me really happy

What makes YOU happy?

Day 4- The people who made me who I am today.

Day 4-Your parents

I have given myself 20 minutes to write this blog. HA We'll see if I can make it. Ready......GO!

These Are my parents. They are wonderful. 'Nuff said.

There have been many time through out my life that I have thought, "MAN! how did I get so lucky to have the parents that I have!" They are stable, happy, loving, compassionate people that are not easily manipulated. (Trust me! I've tried) I know that they love me and they have been the best teachers anyone can ask for.


Introducing: Mi Madre 

She has the greatest sense of humor! When we were little and were being ornery she could could always get us to laugh just by making us look at her! ;) She is a beautiful woman and I don't know why it always worked but we would be grumpy with our heads down and she would say "Don't you look at me! Just don't do it! Don't look at me!" and we would turn our heads to look at her only to start laughing! It worked every time!

She is my biggest cheer leader! Whenever I do anything that scares me or challenges me, like try out for a play, run for student government, or go to grad school she is always there cheering me on. Seriously people sometimes she will literally do a cheer. I can always hear my mom in my head saying, "You can do it!" "You are tough! You are strong!" or one of my favorites she used to say often "You are woman! Hear you Roar!"

Like I said in past posts she taught me to have an imagination! She had the best imagination of anyone I knew when i was a kid and always encouraged us to use ours. When it would start to rain and the mothers called their kids inside she was the mother pushing us out the door to go run in the puddles. She would take us on the greatest adventures.

I've always had people tell me Deborah you are always so happy all the time. You always look on the bright side. Well, my mommy taught me how to do that.


Esta es Mi Padre:

He is probably the best father a girl could ask for. He has always worked hard to provide for his family and he does a pretty darn good job at it! I have always know that he loves me. He really does think I am the greatest.  

I love that my daddy tries to fix everything he can to save money. He is actually pretty good at it to! There are so many things that he can fix and that he knows. He is so so smart.

My daddy is a very strong man! He is determined. Last year he decided to lose weight and he lost 91 pounds! I am proud of him! A few weeks ago he was having a conversation with a family friend about his childhood. He grew up in a broken home in Las Vegas. It could be described as a rough background. Other people who grew up in similar situations have gotten involved in drugs, divorced, or turned to unproductive means to cope. Not my dad. He made choices to break the cycle and do much better. As I listened to him talk to our friends about his decision to have a successful marriage despite his parent's example I was over come with how lucky I am. I have one strong daddy.

He is a very compassionate man. He will help just about anyone and do almost anything. Both of my parents have taught me to serve others because we love them. They are the greatest examples. This guy has taught me that I need to continually strive to be the best me I can be. Although I fall short many times of that goal not only is he there to pick me up but he continues to encourage me to keep trying.

Tears are coming to my eyes at the moment because I am reminded about how my parents have seen me at my worst. They know my imperfections and all of my weaknesses and they still adore me just the same. What a blessing it is that when you are at your lowest lows to be able to go home and have two parents who will hold you up and love you even more. I am one very lucky girl!

 

Day 1

Day 1: Introduce yourself, share recent picture, and 15 interesting facts

I am Deborah Diane Allred......I always get stuck there. I am from the east coast and I love saying that! When I originally moved from sunny California I thought I'd always claim the golden state as my home but oh how times have changed. I am starting Grad school in a few days and as I have told everyone I am excited but my biggest worry is: where in the world am I going to get the money to pay for it? Luckily life always works out and I've decided to pull a Scarlet and worry about that tomorrow.

My Recent picture......

This was taken in December right before graduation (I am sick of using graduation pictures for everything). I had one of the worst days at my internship on this day (I don't know if you can tell but I had cried all my make up off). The social work program is big on centering yourself (doing something you like to do) so you can stay sane and not burn out. I decided I needed a break from the shenanigans at the office. So I ran home and wore my hula out fit around my apartment for about an hour and then went back. There. Centered!

15 facts: Oh I am sorry.....15 INTERESTING facts:

1. I hate being called Debbie. (if you call me Debbie we will stop being friends)
2. I have been on 100 first dates
3. I have not read any of the twilight series and I never will
4. One day I want to sell everything I have and backpack through the world (or at least Europe).
5. I struggle with meeting new people and I don't like big groups. (I promise it's true)
6. I find it amusing to say things that will shock people or make them just a tad bit uncomfortable
7. I often have to restrain myself when some one I love is in need. (I go into take over mode and want to fix the problem)
8. I have been skinny dipping
9. My parents are two of my best friends
10. I have been the best man and attended a bachelor party. Yes, I said Bachelor party. And NO! I was not the entertainment.
11. I do not enjoy peanut butter.
12. I am very picky about my bottled water. (Arrowhead is my fave!)
13. I don't like playing sports that have any type of flying balls (it stems from childhood trauma)
14. I don't really have many favorites of things like food and color. I just don't like absolute statements.
15. I am better at driving a car backward then I am at driving it forward

My life: Build your own adventure!

As a teenager I some how got the reputation in my fam of someone who doesn't plan very well and who is not....how do you say it? Reliable? I wouldn't necessarily agree with that description. I like to say I was spontaneous and instinctive. When I was a kid and we got lost on family outings with my mother she'd simply say, "Let's follow our nose! We are on an adventure!" I may have taken that a little more seriously then my mother intended because I made it my motto. I would just follow my nose to the next adventure in life. Hakuna Matata!

I had friends who before my next exploit would ask me things like, "where are you going to stay?" and "how are you going to get there?" They always laughed and were never surprised when I'd shrug my shoulders and say, "I don't know. I guess we'll see!"

The last few years I have really surprised myself! Normally I do not stay in one place long enough to unpack my suit case let alone earn a Bachelors degree! But here I am two months away from wearing a muumuu and square hat! And you know what else? While I so uncharacteristically lived in Rexburg for three years I made some plans!

I planned to go straight to grad school in the advanced standing program, get my masters degree in clinical social work in one year, and then complete my advanced licensure to become an LCSW doing addiction counseling. Sounds pretty good right? Yeah I thought so too! For the first time I knew exactly where I was going to go and how I was going to get there.

A new discovery that I have made is: it feels really good when people ask me what my plans are to have an answer!

Okay, So what's the point? The point is that apparently you CAN'T teach an old dog new tricks. One night as I was preparing for the oh so planned out new adventure in my life, I hopped on line and sabotaged the whole thing! I applied for a great job that would definitely put a kink in my current life plan. I haven't heard much back from the employer other then they would LOVE to have some one with my experience and know how. I am pretty confident in my ability to land this post-grad job but I am not sure if I want to do it and stray from the map I had made.

So.....Deborah Diane is back to following her nose to the next adventure in life. Where am I going to go? What am I going to do? Where am I going to stay?

*Shrug* I don't know. *Wink* I guess we'll see!!

Spoiled Rotten!!!

I have come to the realization that I am spoiled rotten. And you know what? I am completely okay with that. Now, I do try to do my best to show my appreciation for everything that people do for me and serve others in return but it doesn't change the fact I am treated well and LOVE it!

When I was in California my Aunt and I had a conversation that went exactly like this....

Aunt Jan: "Your Uncle Richard (her brother) tells me that we Allred girls are high maintenance."
Deborah: "That maybe true, but you get what you pay for and you can't get better then an Allred girl."

I've been wondering lately how I came to expect to be treated so well by the men in my life.

I thought about my father who has loved me so well that I never doubted my siblings and I were the most important people to him. (second only to my mother of course).

Then there is my Brother. This guy is the best ever! He treats me like a princess! Opens doors for me, tolerates my irrational rants about the latest frustration in my life, gets me water or pillows or whatever I need upon my request, etc.

Yesterday I was woken up by a phone call from my mother and two other ladies in their 50's just giggling. They told me they wanted me to teach a dating class to a few return missionaries and before I knew what was happening the time and place was scheduled and set up. I decided that I would recruit my army of male friends for help. I got out my phone and sent out a text asking their thoughts and advice on how to treat girls. Within minutes I had 20 responses. Here are a few of the responses from my closest friends.....

One Said: "My grandpa always told me, "Bradley, to treat a woman right think of how you want to be treated, magnify it by 10 and if she doesn't feel like the world revolves around her, your not trying hard enough!" When I am around women, I want them to know just how great they truly are. All women are amazing in some way or another.... The first thing I always try to do is make them smile.... Once you know what makes her smile, you hold it in your pocket and pull it out every once and awhile so as not to wear it out. Next, smile at her like she is your world, because she is! Without her life would be less full and empty. I understand this is more for a relationship, but you can do the same things on a lesser level with all woman. It about making them feel like there everything to the world, and that's the most important thing."

Another said: "I try to always anticipate any need my date might have. Being proactive will get you far. The moment you can see any potential need (water... ;) ) jump on it and offer before she has the opportunity to ask. Being a gentlemen these days is something few are...open doors, pull out her chair, offer your coat if she is cold, offer to get things for her, SAY PLEASE AND THANK YOU! In general, think of women as someone that needs to be cared for. They have the capability to do everything you can, but do it for them before they have the chance."

Another gave me a list of his rules that consisted of Treating the woman you are with like they are the most important person in the world.

Between my stellar friends and my Father and Brother, it's no wonder I am the way I am. Yep, i can admit it.....I've got a good life.

King Of Anything

A friend from my first semester here at BYU-Idaho back in 2005 posted this to her facebook. I absolutely love it! As I listened to it I was reminded of the journey I have had to take through my young adult life. I've had a lot of different experiences to get me to the point where I am now comfortable with myself and this song illustrates that to me for some reason.



Recently I was watching my roommates who are 18-20 years old go through life and have their own experiences I was excited for them to learn that they don't have to please every one.

The Ultimate Love story

This is a really long post and was more therapeutic for me to write then anything else. So enjoy if you think you can make it through all my ramblings. You are welcome to skip this one.


Growing up I used to dream of the man I would be eternally happy with. I imagined that he was tall and handsome. He was kind and strong. He was tender hearted and adventurous. In my dreams he would sweep me off my feet and we'd have the greatest adventure of our lives. I imagined that we would marry and be poor college students in a basement apartment somewhere and our early struggles together would make me love him more and more. He would come home with bouquet of dandelions because that's all we could afford and as I am cleaning up after dinner he'd rush in, take me in his arms, and begin singing to me off key while we danced and laughed.

Now, 17 years later I feel those dreams of an 8 year old girl fading more and more. I do not write that to gain sympathy or alarm any one that I am sad or depressed. I am actually quite happy with my life and where I am. I am a 25 year old woman who has experienced many triumphs as well as sorrows. I have blessed peoples’ lives and have had my life blessed in return. I am completing my degree and I am confident and excited for what the future holds. But as I find myself surrounded by pregnant, 19 year house wives and my bride's maid dresses are piling up, I sometimes allow my self to wonder if the old saying about my pile of dresses is true. Always a bride's maid, never a bride.



Lately in my quiet moments I have felt a little lonely and knowing that my single status is very much my own doing I have wondered if I have the ability to open up my heart. At this point it may take some doing by a very patient and persistent man.

Well, the other night I grabbed some girls from my Relief Society and we went to Letters To Juliet. I must admit I was a little cynical about it. All of the chick flicks I have seen recently have been a huge disappointment. They have been sappy, lacked plot, or just have way too much sex. But this movie was different. I was pleasantly surprised. I enjoyed it quite a bit and had realizations that calmed my antsy heart.

As I was watching the movie I began to think about my very first love as well as my other experiences of romance. It was like my own little movie in my head featuring me and any man who has ever meant something to me.

The first face I saw in my mind was this one:


This is Robbie Calton. He was the very first man that made my heart jump when I saw him or heard his voice. He is the same Robbie who saved me from the creepy Tres Davis in HS by offering to come with me. I met him when I was 16 years old and on a first date with his cousin. We quickly became great friends and had so much fun together. A few months after meeting him I moved from Virginia to Maryland and our friendship continued to grow and develop over the phone and email. During this time I turned 17 (like it really makes a difference). The picture above was taken during one of his trips up to Maryland. He had patiently allowed my 8 year old sister to do his hair. He has beautiful, and I mean beautiful, blue eyes that melted my heart. This 20 year old man taught me what it felt like to be loved by some one. As I have gone through my relationships only one has ever made me feel the way he did. Whenever I walked in the room and he would look at me I felt like the most beautiful girl to him. There would be times we were in a room full of people and I would catch him gazing at me like I was the only person there. Every time we went to a restaurant he would grab a napkin and make me a paper rose just like these: One of my very favorite things he would do was "tell me secrets". At completely random times he would look at me and motion for me to come a little closer saying he had a secret to tell me. The first 100 times I fell for it and legitimately thought he had some secret to whisper in my ear. But instead he would always whisper something about how beautiful, great, or wonderful I was. Because he was hundreds of miles away and also 20 years old, we kept our feelings to ourselves. I didn't tell him until months later and close to the end of our contact with each other how I felt.

Eventually things began to deteriorate, a phone call was made, and I officially experienced my first broken heart. Now, there is a certain cynic out there that I know will roll their eyes when reading this and think, "Come on. You were 17 years old. It was puppy love. Not the real thing". To you I say, you may be right. Who knows. But nonetheless it hurt and I learned some amazing things from that experience. Heart break and all.


9 months after Robbie and I went our separate ways I turned 18 and met Michael Brady Paulich.

My life changed in so many ways. The relationship I had with this man is the hardest for me to describe. With Brady I had my highest highs as well as my lowest lows. It was quite the ride with him. He is probably the hardest for my family to read about and that could be a reason why I am struggling to know how to describe him.

I was 18 years old and thought I had automatically turned into a responsible adult. I mean c'mon, I could sign myself out of high school for goodness sakes. This straight arrow little Mormon girl could now legally pair off with someone and so.... I did. In reality I was a young girl who was still figuring out who I was. Brady and I began dating and honestly we had a blast. It began as a summer fling for both of us and I enjoyed the nights we spent catching fireflies on the golf course.

Quickly things became much more serious and Brady became my best friend. I felt that he knew and understood me better then any one. He knew exactly the right things to say to instantly make me happy and he knew exactly what to say to instantly make me enraged and never want to see him again. I laughed more with him then with anyone else. And I cried more tears because of him then anyone else. We talked about many of our deepest fears and our fondest hopes. I could tell him anything and I knew he would just listen. He was the one who taught me the importance of communication. I felt that I could completely be myself around him and he would enjoy it.

We had so many inside jokes and we just had to look at each other to know what the other was thinking. We had pet names for each other which usually stemmed from those previously mentioned inside jokes. Mine was Deborah Doo and eventually just Doo. I loved it when he called me that. I still at times crave the emotional intimacy we shared, which is probably one reason I always went back to him. Although it may sound like we had a strong relationship it was also a toxic one. It was a long and rough road but after 3 years of off-and-on we finally ended things for good.

I must add that I learned an immense amount from my time with Brady. I learned about relationships, respect, values, human interactions, and myself. I learned that I am a strong woman who can do hard things. I learned that I do stand for something and it is worth fighting for. I learned so much more about my weaknesses and I learned that when I truly commit to something I don't turn away. Brady learned and grew quite a bit himself. I am happy for him and I am happy how well he is doing in his life now. I hope he and his family continue to grow together and love and support each other.

The next romance I came to was a bit of a whirlwind. It happened quickly and ended quickly. I don't have a picture of him but His name was Mike. He and I met in the fall when I was 19 and recovering from some hard things. He was 27 years old, fun, and exciting. He was a movie director and working for an online university in Baltimore. He was very funny and the life of the party everywhere we went. We went to plays, amusement parks, movies, and any other activity he could think of.

Some of my favorite times we had together were when we would be sitting in the car, or on my porch, or just out in the grass some where discussing life and our outrageous plans. He had a great imagination and indulged me as we exchanged our crazy ideas and plans for adventures.

I looked at him in a way that I couldn't duplicate with anyone else after we dated. He would tell me how I melted his heart every time I looked at him that way. He also always told me how beautiful I looked. (He thought I looked like Natalie Portman. I still don't see it but whatever floats your boat.)

Soon we began talking about marriage and our adventurous future together. The problem was I was 19 and had crazy dreams and ideas of my own that did not include a husband and children right away. We compromised and the plan was for me to go pursue my dreams for a little while and then we would start a life together. However, as soon as that plan was made it was changed.

You see, Mike was divorced and had a 5 year old son whom he loved and adored. I was always so impressed with how kind and gracious he was about his ex-wife and what they went through. But I was even more impressed with what an amazing father he was. Shortly after our plans were made, his ex-wife called wanting to try things again. The poor man was so torn about what to do. Eventually he made the right choice and went back to give things another shot with his ex in hopes to provide a stable family for his son whom he adored more then any one on this planet. My heart was sad but I was also so happy for him and his family. I am not exactly sure what happened to them but I am sure they are having fun where ever they are.

After that experience I went to college and began living the dream of a carefree college co-ed. I became extremely confident in my dating skills. I knew I could get any man I wanted and had about 3 dates every weekend. I had the game (and men) down to a science. Enter Dr. Hollan Harper.

Hollan Harper was what you would call a player. He oozed of confidence, charm and was never low on female companions. He was the challenge of all challenges and I was determined to use my fine tuned skills to break this pre med's cocky little ego. He had been told I was untouchable and impossible to win over. Our relationship was a lot like a game of survivor. Out Whit, Out Play, Out Last.

I must say, Hollan was a lot of fun and one of those people who can schmooze anyone. He has a great personality and an amazing work ethic. Really he was an awesome guy. Eventually after coming to my senses as well as an exhausting two weeks of intense games, I decided that if I was going to be a relationship with him I was actually going to put effort into it and do it for the right reasons. I guess you could say he won the showdown because I decided to invest my heart. A few weeks later he informed me he wanted to get back together with his ex. I was very gracious, if I do says so myself, and we ended things then and there.

We were in and out of touch for a few years. Finally our paths crossed again and we went on the same humanitarian aid trip to El Salvador. There the flame began to be rekindled a bit. Hollan was impressed with how forgiving and kind I was towards him, and I was still impressed with his amazing ambition, work ethic, and genuine love for the people we served. I also think that the tropical location didn't hurt the summer fling either. To keep it short, sparks were flying and a romance was rekindled over orphans and papusas.

When we returned to the real world there was question of what would happen then. We kept in contact and discussed the possibility for me to come out to BYU-Idaho. I struggled a bit to make my decision. I had just been given a fabulous raise and promotion at work and was pursuing my nursing degree at home in Maryland. If I moved to Idaho I would be giving up my life for a man who had already burnt me in the past. I finally decided to throw caution to the wind, follow my heart, and go back to BYU-Idaho. Things changed with Hollan very quickly before I got to school but I am so glad that I am here at BYU-Idaho. Good move on my part.

Between my romances with Dr. Harper, I met the only other man who treated me as well as Rob. His name was Brad Baird.

I was living in Provo Utah at the time and we were set up on a blind date by a good friend of both of ours. He was the man every girl needs to date once. He swore, wore a leather jacket, and drove a motorcycle. Brad had the most tender heart of them all. He would anticipate my every need and he was the best at understanding "the female language". I would sit down and just mention it was cold in the room and immediately the fan would be turned off and I would have a blanket. Or before I could even ask he would ask me if I needed anything to drink and when I said yes he didn't even need to ask what I wanted. He learned what I loved quickly and always just brought it to me. He sure did spoil me. Even though when we met he was a little rough around the edges, I was so impressed with how much he respected me and how careful he was to never cross any lines that he shouldn't.
I loved his cute mother and how much he loved her too. She and I are still good friends to this day. I loved the long motorcycle night rides we would take in Provo Canyon. I loved that he would stay up to talk to me as I drove the 45 minutes home late at night to keep me awake even though he had work early in the morning and was exhausted. One of my favorite memories of him was when we were in the car one night and we were discussing alternatives for using swear words. I suggested that he use the word heck as an alternative to another he often used. He said he would never say heck if his life depended on it. No less then 5 minutes later another car swerved in front of us and he yelled "oh my heck!" without even thinking. I thought it was HILARIOUS! (don't worry Daddy, very soon he cut the cussing out all together). I always knew that I could count on Brad whenever I needed him. Even though I knew he would drop whatever he had going on to help me, I also knew he would never let me walk all over him and I loved that about him. He was not afraid to tell me when he thought I was wrong or stand up for what he thought was right.

Our relationship came to the point that big decisions needed to be made. Like eternal decisions. I moved home that fall that we were dating and we talked on the phone constantly! Although Brad loved me very much and I knew it, I just was not ready for the "next step". We did not continue dating, but continued to be good friends and offer each other support when needed.

I had a few other "boyfriends" but I don't have much to say about them. The last man that I can talk about is Cameron S. Gardner. Or as I called him Cameron Super Stud Gardner.

This guy is another guy that I just don't know how to describe. When I met this man I felt like I was in a dream. My father always has told me that I should never marry anyone unless I feel like the luckiest girl in the world just to have that person in my life.

Cameron Gardner was that man. I remember at the beginning of our relationship I called home and cried to Tressa about how I really felt like he was way out of my league and I just didn't know what to do. We had a lot of fun that summer and I loved how I felt when I was around him. I loved the very sweet and romantic things he would do for me. I'd find random notes and flowers on my car or come home finding an item I had mentioned to him I liked in the bookstore. Whenever he would come over and pick me up at my apartment he always lit up as soon as he would see me. What girl wouldn't like that? We had hard moments but just kind of got through them. I felt that our relationship went pretty fast but hey, I thought he was fantastic so I went with it. By the end of the semester we were engaged and planning the greatest wedding of all time!

(Let me explain this picture a bit. I had teased him about a family picture he was in where he was making this weird face while we were at his home. So Liz took this picture after we had been traveling all day and he was trying to duplicate the strange face he had in the family picture I teased him about)

A little before our engagement however the dynamics of our relationship started to change a bit. And I started to doubt. When he proposed, I was not ready for it but still I said yes. Following our engagement when I told people the news I felt like I had to fake a really happy face. They would ask me if I was excited and I felt like I was lying to their face. It was a very confusing time because I was so excited to get married up until about a week before he proposed and I didn't understand why things had changed. I thought to myself, "I am getting MARRIED! I should be much more excited then this."

He and I had a talk and came to the conclusion that we should not get married. We went our separate ways and as time passed I was able to realize why I needed to go home the semester we were supposed to get married and that the Lord had other plans for me. I was also able to reflect on our relationship and understand a little better why I wasn't feeling so great about things before we got engaged. I am grateful for what I have learned and the experience I have gained.

As I sat there in the movie replaying all of the memories and romances in my head I felt like my life is a huge love story where the ending is yet to be determined. It is a little bit thrilling not knowing how this is all going to end. Will I end up with one of the two men who are still single? Or will I meet some one totally new? When it happens I am sure it will be the ultimate love story! Until that mystery is unfolds, it is back to real life and the exciting task of making something of myself. It’s just like Sister Hinckley says, “before you become somebody’s wife, become somebody.” So here I go! There is so much in life to look forward too!